An old teacher of mine once asked, “Who are you?”
It’s a question I’ve wrestled with every day since.
Who am I?
If you asked me on Monday and then, again, on Thursday you just might get two different answers. The truth is, my answer is always shifting, always growing, always changing.
Not because I do not know who I am,
but because I know who I am and also who I want to be.
What I’m reading in Scripture:
Lately, I’ve been in Mark. I usually skip over the common passages of Scripture that I learned in Sunday School. It’s easy for me to disengage when reading common passages for what seems like the thousandth time.
Not this time.
In Mark 4, you can read the parable of the sower. The farmer is out sowing seed and there are 4 different types of soil where the seed lands; 3 types are unsuitable for growth, and 1 type is “good soil” where the seed grows well. Back in Sunday School, they used to ask us to decide what type of soil we were. Rarely, I’d declare that my heart was entirely composed of good soil and I’d recite a memory verse or offer to pray to prove it.
A few weeks ago as I was reading Mark 4 I realized that the well-meaning Sunday School question had diverted my attention from the point of the passage. Remember the words of Jesus in Matthew 13? Just after Jesus shares the parable of the sower, he shares the parable of the weeds.
The truth is, I am not only ONE type of soil. I am ALL FOUR types of soil. My heart has areas that are hardened, areas that are distracted, areas that are shallow, and areas that are prepared to receive the Word of God, grow and bear fruit.
Jesus never asked us to label ourselves as one or the other; he knows that we are all, and he loves us anyway.
That’s grace.
What I’m learning:
Lately, I’m into neurology. It is absolutely fascinating to see the themes found in Scripture reinforced by the science of our brains.
Turns out just as there are different areas of my heart, there are different areas of my brain as well. Part of our brain is concerned with time, calendars and spreadsheets, while another part is concerned with creativity, emotion and safety. It’s not scary or by any means wrong to embrace these seemingly contradictory aspects of ourselves. The existence of these differing areas of our hearts and even our brains is actually what makes us whole and human.
Inspiring Podcasts:
I was listening to a podcast last week (you can listen to it here) featuring Yvon Chouinard, the founder of Patagonia. While discussing the exponential growth that Patagonia experienced in their early years as a company, Yvon said, “You know, nothing grows forever. The faster a company grows, the faster it dies out.”
As the words left Yvon’s mouth, I heard the Holy Spirit say, “Don’t feel rushed to bloom too early,” and was overwhelmed with a deep sense of permission. This truth Yvon ran into while growing a company is the same truth I’ve run into as I grow up into myself; change can happen overnight, but growth takes time. If we want to experience genuine growth, we’ve got to slow down and give ourselves permission to take the time that growth requires.
In order to slow down, Yvon began making decisions for his company as though they would be in business 100 years from now. For me, slowing down looks, practically, like being patient with myself as though I’ll be around 100 years from now. When I’m not short on time, I’m high on grace.
The common thread:
Faith.
Remember when the disciples were caught in the storm while Jesus was sleeping in the helm of the boat? You can read the story in, you guessed it: Mark 4.
Bill Johnson once said, “You only have authority over the storm you can sleep through.” At the end of the day, it’s faith that sleeps through the storm believing we’ll land safely on the shore.
It’s faith that carries me into the truth of my identity as it grows over time.
It’s faith that removes the pressure to hurry up and bloom today.
It’s faith that gives me permission to approach the Lord- weeds and all- to receive grace.
So here I am, in the whirlwind.
24 years young, sailing into my second year as a squad mentor where I’m sure to encounter a few areas of my heart that are not-so-good soil, and I’m sure to encounter a few areas of my brain that are not concerned with the task at hand while I’m pressing up on a deadline. Even so, I’m sure to encounter the patient grace of a loving God who knows when, how, and why I’ll be delivered safely to the next shore.
Ultimately, I’m finding that grace gives the seed permission to grow, free from the expectation of fruit that will come in season.
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